I Shiver

by Sometimes the Cat

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1.
03:35
I've got two fingers to my chin and my thumb outstretched I'm staring into the face of death Got two fingers to my temple and my thumb points to the sky You know I make it seem like I want to die But I'm going to be left Once everyone has killed themselves and all my friends are dead I'm going to be here With nobody to talk to and nobody to hold dear Nobody to hold dear, nobody to hold dear In the egg whites of your eyes I see two things: One is the pain you hide And two's the reflection of my face It's such a lovely day And in the bedside table drawer, I know I shouldn't know about Your solace in the bitter cold, a way in which to have control but You won't let others know I've got two fingers to my chin and my thumb outstretched I'd love to get to know you better but I wouldn't want to leave you bereft Got two fingers to my temple and my thumb points to the sky But I don't plan anytime soon on not being alive I'm going to survive Even after everyone has killed themselves, after they've died I'm going to go on But every day I'll think about those who are gone Those who are gone, those who are gone In the egg whites of your eyes I saw two things: One was the emptiness And two was the cold caress of It's such an ugly day But you were dripping blood out of your eye sockets You told me that it was fine and that you just needed to cry So I went and got the Kleenex and I held you and I said it was alright
2.
I'm so proud of you There's so much that you've been through And you're so darn good at the things you like to do You're a special person You deserve to feel good I want to make sure that you know that you should I'm always happy for everybody else Sometimes I wish I could be happy for myself I'm always happy for everybody else Sometimes I wish I could be happy for myself I'm always happy for everybody else Sometimes I wish I could be happy for myself I'm always happy for everybody else Sometimes I wish I could be happy for myself I love the things you create Yes, I think they're pretty great! And I want to tell you that as much as I can Let's have a conversation Let's talk about what you want And I'll just sit here and listen, 'cause that's what I do I'm always happy for everybody else Sometimes I wish I could be happy for myself I'm always happy for everybody else Sometimes I wish I could be happy for myself I'm always happy for everybody else Sometimes I wish I could be happy for myself I'm always happy for everybody else Sometimes I wish I could be happy for myself I'm always happy for everybody else Sometimes I wish I could be happy for myself I'm always happy for everybody else Sometimes I wish I could be happy for myself I'm always happy for everybody else Sometimes I wish I could be happy for myself I'm always happy for everybody else Sometimes I wish I could be happy for myself I'm always happy for everybody else Sometimes I wish I could be happy for myself I'm always happy for everybody else Sometimes I wish I could be happy for myself I'm always happy for everybody else Sometimes I wish I could be happy for myself I'm always happy for everybody else Sometimes I wish I could be happy for myself
3.
03:08
I wouldn't bother, if I were you, to pump the water from my lungs, 'cause I don't want to live anymore I'm so tired and I don't sleep and I'm consumed and there's a hole and these are all things I've said and sung before Breathing, breathing, in and out, I feel the air inflate my chest and slowly, surely, seep straight out again I feel like it's only time, I've come to terms with what's to pass, now it's just a matter of when You're in the bathtub, water's rising, I'm afraid you're going to drown My knees are curled against my frame, I lean and wish for a way out I never say the right thing; why do you keep me around? I wouldn't stress myself, if I were you, about the things that I will do, because you won't have to deal with me I'm not perfect, no-one's perfect, even I can recognise that but perfection is what you want to see All our problems come from the things you want from me that I don't know how to give, or maybe I just won't You like to tell me that I don't see things the same way that you do, and I would say you're right—maybe I don't I'm fucking crying, and you're lying on my bed and you don't care Maybe I'm wrong but you're so distant, far away, and over there I'm lost and stuck and feel so bad and wish I'd vanish in thin air I am losing pieces of the person whom I want myself to be There is no-one inside to meet the expectations you have for me It feels like way too much and I am small and I can't hold it all
4.
02:41
I'd love to burn, I'd like to set myself on fire Light a match and wait until I'm ash And then collect me into an urn and put me on your mantle I complete your living room Cross my fingers and pray to God I really hope I haven't got To sit tied up on this chair for long Before I'm set ablaze I'd love to melt, I'd like to drip myself down into water I'd fill a cup and then be drunk And when I stumble through your room at four o'clock this morning Well, there's no parties in death I have a sore throat and an aversion to people (What d'ya have going for ya?) I keep the blinds closed in the summer Never was able to commit to things until, well, you know Here's a little something I've been working on I'm not too proud of imte, I can't say I'm too proud of imte If I don't care then it won't hurt when you tear imte to shreds Tell me if the ending is hollow or cheap And tell me if the cast needs to get more sleep And tell me if you think the main character is too much like me
5.
I've always put too much stock in photographs I find sometimes they affect me even more than if I'm actually there Days pass in school sitting in bathroom stalls People in parking lots outside of malls And I'm not there at all And everybody's got their little smokes and cuts that they have got to deal with But I've got to learn those aren't my burdens to bear It's so very hard when it's people that you love and care about But sometimes you have to do the selfish thing and withdraw I've always put too much stock in my opinions Somehow if there is something I can say, I assume that it should be said It took me a while but then I started to realise I can't hold all of these feelings inside my head I distance myself instead And everybody's got their little smokes and cuts that they have got to deal with But I've got to learn those aren't my burdens to bear It's so very hard when it's people that you love and care about But sometimes you have to do the selfish thing and withdraw So why should I care about other people's lives? They shouldn't interest me at all Oh, why do I care about other people's lives? I have for as long as I recall So why should I care about other people's lives? They shouldn't interest me at all Oh, why do I care about other people's lives? I have for as long as I recall I have for as long as I recall I have for as long as I recall And everybody's got their little smokes and cuts that they have got to deal with But I've got to learn those aren't my burdens to bear It's so very hard when it's people that you love and care about But sometimes you have to do the selfish thing and withdraw
6.
03:35
My city is a lovely city, and I know it's a great place to live Yet after so many years, it shouldn't be a surprise that I'm tired of it I wanna lie to all my friends and family—move myself out of the country Get up one day and walk out of town as far as I can go That's it—I'm done I'm moving to Siberia And you won't see me anymore Don't pretend that you care If I were you, I wouldn't waste my breath I won't hear what you have to say Anyway, anyway I know you'll say I'm not prepared, I know you'll say that I won't know what to do I'll have you know that that couldn't be further from the truth I'm learning русский язык, спасибо и до свиданя, я не буду вас видеть I'm packing rations, packing jackets, and I sure as hell won't get wet That's it—I'm done I'm moving to Siberia And you won't see me anymore Don't pretend that you care If I were you, I wouldn't waste my breath I won't hear what you have to say Anyway, anyway That's it—I'm done I'm moving to Siberia
7.
I live my life Time goes by I'm ticking down the clock Until I die I move on I'm always moving on I find it hard to hold on To things before they're gone You live your life, and I'll do mine I'm busy just existing, I'm busy just existing We live our lives Those passing sighs We're traipsing down through time And there's no why We proceed We always have the need We lead ourselves to we But there's no place for me You live your life, and I'll do mine I'm busy just existing, I'm busy just existing And I know that you would wish the best for me  (and I know you would wish the best) And I know that you would want me to be happy  (and I know you would lift me up) And I know that you can't see that I'm just treading water  (I'm just floating in the sea) And I know that you can't help but make me feel much smaller But I ask of you: Please live your life, and I'll focus on mine I'm busy just existing, I'm busy just existing I'm busy just existing, I'm busy just existing  (I'm busy living my life)
8.
06:18
I play the part of the tortured artist so well That I don't know where my heart is Yeah, I checked under the bed And I don't know which me is fake I don't know if I've got an expiration date Like I'm a carton of eggs  (a gallon of milk, baby, don't you let me spoil) And I tend to forget it And I tend to let my guard down And I let it get to me It always gets to me I only cried at the Skype chat once or twice And I didn't say anything I just got between both my sheets and I sobbed  (it wasn't even me they were after) I love when I'm made to smile 'Cause even if there's nothing good in this world It helps just to be upright, vertical I love when I'm made to smile 'Cause even if there's nothing good in this world It helps just to be upright, vertical Upright, vertical Upright, vertical Upright, vertical You're throwing up food in the yard You just don't know where to start Especially if you can't hold it down, oh-whoah I like to take other people's struggles and make them my own Wrap them up in a bow and present them in a song And hope they don't notice when they hear it I talk a lot about ideal concepts For somebody who would say that they are not that I keep on talking 'til I run out of punchlines When I say that maybe my body will end face down in a ditch A little bitch is what I am, I'm damned to mediocrity and flailing helpless by myself No, I'm not going to sleep with you I mean, I wouldn't have sex with you either But I'd also rather if we slept in different beds, if that's okay  (yeah, I wouldn't be too fond of me either) I love when I'm made to smile 'Cause even if there's nothing good in this world It helps just to be upright, vertical I love when I'm made to smile 'Cause even if there's nothing good in this world It helps just to be upright, vertical Upright, vertical Upright, vertical Upright, vertical I play the part of the tortured artist so well That I don't know where my heart is Yeah, I checked inside my chest
9.
02:09
Take me with you when you leave You're off t(w)o lands beyond, and I'm left bittersweet Tell me how's the atmosphere When you look down to Earth, remember me down here I don't think that I'll have any sympathy When you're swallowed up by her gravity Her embrace is your grave plot But by then you'll be long gone I think in all that time I will have to have let you go In a thousand years, they will find what's left I'd say a few pieces of metal, if I had to hazard a guess Time goes by like it's worthless I just think of our last kiss If in all those years, I'm here, I'd probably just sit there and watch But I'm still jealous of you and her What do I lack that's had by Jupiter? I remember months ago I caught you red-faced, looking in your telescope
10.
You, you, you I know you're somewhere out there, doing what you do Me, me, why's it have to be That you hold me up there high among the clouds? Quietly, quietly you watch me from a distance Quietly, quietly I watch you from afar I speak to you and I ask you how you're doing You tell me things and you ask me these in turn When I'm around you, I can't help but pour out My secrets and feelings and thoughts (and hope you won't hate me) Quietly, quietly you watch me from a distance Quietly, quietly I watch you from afar It's better this way, it's better this way we say to ourselves When we quietly, quietly sit alone These days I wonder: should I even bother? You tell me you like me but I really just can't tell I'm afraid because you say that you're afraid of me I don't know what's real and what's just in my head Quietly, quietly you watch me from a distance Quietly, quietly I watch you from afar It's better this way, it's better this way we say to ourselves When we quietly, quietly sit alone You're such a mystery and that just makes me want to know you more I know you're talented at the things you like to do and I wish I could reach out to you and tell you how I feel and I wish you weren't afraid of me, I wish you thought I weren't as good Quietly, oh Quietly, oh Is it you? As I thought, are you the one that holds me up onto a pedestal and makes me out as someone to look up to? Or is it me? Do I project my hopes and fantasies onto you such that even in my wildest dreams, you've got no hope to compare? There's an ocean between us A fighting wave, current running over And as I climb up to the shoreline I quiver where I stand But I don't even know you And you don't even know me And we'll probably never know each other So I guess this will have to suffice So I sit here quietly And you sit there quietly So we sit here quietly And alone Here as I stand in the Western Hemisphere, I wonder what my life could've been like if I were born somewhere else. Could I have known you when we were children? And do you think we could've been friends? Maybe we could've, if given the chance, gotten to know each other and broken out of our shells, I guess. Maybe we could've been happier in the company of each other, even if it didn't, y'know, turn out that way in the end. Or maybe this is our only chance, and the only way to know you is with distance. And maybe that makes the chocolates and the tea that much sweeter. Our lives as perpendicular lines, with only one point of meeting. Or maybe we're parabolas? And if that's the case, and I manage to bend back again, I hope our second intersection will be as beautiful as the first. And I thank you.
11.
03:59
Everyone's stupid, me included I really need to work on that sometime But it's too much work to even try Yes, it's too much work to socialise Everyone's stupid, you excluded No, I'm just kidding, I fucking hate you Or at least I wish I could Oh God, I really wish I could I read a fanfic 'bout a serial killer She was a horse and tortured victims until they died And I've been thinking 'bout what it would be like To know your friend had ended others' lives I've never wanted to kill anyone Well, there's one person, but I don't think that she really counts I guess I hate people the more I know them And this gal's the one I know the best. I need a little comfort in my life I wish I had a shoulder to cry on I wish I could believe I could be loved by somebody that I could stand I need someone to hold me through the night But also to keep their distance I wish I could love someone in a way that made sense Everyone's stupid, me included I really need to work on that sometime But it's too much work to even try Yes, it's too much work to socialise Everyone's stupid, you excluded No, I'm just kidding, I fucking hate you Or at least I wish I could Oh God, I really fucking wish I could I took a picture of myself in the mirror I don't know why I did it and it wasn't such a bright idea I just sat and stared at my own image And I wondered where and when I went wrong It takes a long time to love yourself It only takes a minute to hate yourself And I don't have that much time So I'll go with which one's expedited I need a little comfort in my life I wish I had a shoulder to cry on I wish I could believe I could be loved by somebody that I could stand I need someone to hold me through the night But also to keep their distance I wish I could love someone in a way that made sense I'm so stupid, you're so stupid I don't know how to deal with that And I don't know how to be myself And I don't know how to love you still I'm exhausted, feeling lost and I never had a home in you And I don't think there's anyone else out there No, I don't think there's anyone else out there
12.
02:48
I'm torn asunder and can't help but wonder if you're there No one to help me, it seems like you've vanished in thin air I'm torn in two and it's making me blue but the way that I felt wasn't worth all the hurt and now I'm somewhere else and I don't give a shit whether you'll care I saved myself from the hell that you turned my life into Calling me back won't fix things and that's something that you knew Taking great pains to restrain how I felt didn't do no one favours, at least by my count so let's Just swear to silence, say there's nothing left for me and you Here's what you tell me: you say you feel empty without me You tell me I am something and someone you really need Maybe you should have thought of consequences before you did things that would push me away and, well No-one would blame me for leaving you cold and I can't understand why you can't comprehend this and Even though I don't love you anymore, I still hope you take care and there's no better way than to Pack up your feelings for me and then set those feelings free I'm torn asunder and can't help but wonder if you're there
13.
I'm making mistakes every day, and I know it I'm taking my time every day, and I show it I'm sick and tired of dissatisfaction and ultimate apathy Not that I'm going to do anything about it but it helps to recognise these things I'm gonna be happy and present myself anew Yes, I'm gonna be happy if it's the last thing that I do I'm not sure if I'm jealous, or maybe I just wish I were I feel like wanting things like that would just make life easier I don't wanna take the time from every day to sit around and think about the state of things and how I wanna be in several years from now and what I wanna do in time and how not to be stressed about the little things that always seem to mess me up and I don't wanna have to make decisions 'bout the opportunities and things that have a tendency to pop right up in front of me and I don't have the wherewithal to finish anything that doesn't take more than a couple minutes and I'll admit that I am gonna be happy I am gonna be happy I said I am going to be happy And you're gonna be happy too I'm gonna be happy and present myself anew Yes, I'm gonna be happy if it's the last thing that I do And I'm gonna be overjoyed when at last I can feel that way Yes, I'm gonna be happy, and that's all I want to say I've got five fingers in a fist, moving towards your chest It's part of a new thing I'm trying where I try to live without any regrets And I want to leave this town, and I want to live a new life But the frozen north ain't comfortable; I'd die amongst the ice I'm always happy for everybody else, and now I'm trying to be happy for myself And I'll be happy, for oh-so-many days, if I forget that you'll always be far away And I'm forgetting about all the smokes and cuts, I just need to live my life out in a way I want And I am pulling you down from outer space, and I am listening to every goddamn word that you say I'm gonna be happy and present myself anew Yes, I'm gonna be happy if it's the last thing that I do And I'm gonna be overjoyed when at last I can feel that way Yes, I'm gonna be happy, and that's all I want to say
14.
03:32
Take me outside Take me by the hand I don't know you But also I don't mind It's hard not to miss you It's getting hard to stop caring Though there's little to hold on to Because you're never there No, you're never there You're halfway across the planet You're halfway across the globe You're halfway across the planet Where you call home And I'll never be as important And I'll never be as there And I'll never be as important For you to care Send me postcards Send me things you love It's hard to say this It feels wrong I feel so empty Do you feel empty, too? All we have is emptiness Between me and you Collapse me and you You're halfway across the planet You're halfway across the globe You're halfway across the planet Where you call home And I'll never be as important And I'll never be as there And I'll never be as important It's hard to care
15.
01:32
I'm gonna drown myself in the pastel ocean down in Santa Monica I'm gonna walk down to the pier and go on the Ferris wheel I'm gonna wait until it gets to the top and then I'm gonna look over the edge And somewhere spiralling through vertigo I'll look back up and think about what you said: "I'm not upset, I'm just tired I'm gonna go on and I'll wake up and it'll be Monday"

about

I SHIVER.
or, "It Just Keeps Getting Colder."

This is an album about uncomfortable truths. When I finished my last album, Excelsior, I had just graduated high school. When I released Split Single, I had just moved out of my parents' house and started attending university. And now, as I set this set of songs out into the world, I have finished my second year of college and I am, in a lot of ways, quite different from when I started writing and recording these songs. Some of them reflect how I felt years ago, some of them ring as true as they did when I first put the words down, and some of them never had any basis in truth to begin with.

Regardless, whoever you are, I appreciate that you've taken to the time to come to this page and even listen to some of the songs, if you've chosen to do so. Your support means the world to me. If you have any thoughts, insights, criticisms, corrections, or anything else you want to say to me, you are welcome to contact me at april (at) wikipedia (dot) sexy. I don't bite, or at least not too much.

<3

April

credits

released June 15, 2017

SOMETIMES THE CAT:
April - vocals, electric & acoustic guitars, ukulele, bass guitar, drums, piano, toy piano, keyboards, melodica, banjo, etc.

WITH:
Lesley - keyboard on "Everybody Else" and guitar on "Smokes & Cuts"
Luke - bass on "Vertical"

PEOPLE WHOSE INSTRUMENTS I STOLE:
Avery - electric guitar for the bridge of "Siberia"
Lily - synthesizer for "Busy Just Existing"
Noah - keyboard for "Smokes & Cuts"

SPECIAL THANKS:
Amber, Archer, Avery, Cayetana, Charlie, Cynthia, Daniel, David, DeAnndra, Ella, Ellen, Ethan, Haley, Jesse, Joey, Julian, Jyki, Kenny, Kelly, Lesley, Lise, Lily, Lucas, Marcus, Naomi, Nick, Noah, Quinten, Seth, Skylar, Theo, Will, Winston, and Yush.

Words and music by April, Oct. 2011 - Apr. 2017, except:
"Smokes & Cuts" - post-chorus based on "Mood for a Day" by Yes
"Vertical" - title and inspiration from Lily
"Quietly, Quietly" - I quiver where I stand
"Comfort" - title from a Quasi song
"I am Going to Be Happy" - title and inspiration from Daniel

Produced and mixed by April, with assistance and feedback from Lesley.
Artwork by Charlie.

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Sometimes the Cat Missoula, montana

Sometimes the Cat is

glasnost (content generation algorithm)

and perestroika (object to be destroyed).

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